Black Sheep

I got up, flew my ass into work (with my astral wings, of course), did the things on the list, told you guys about them, fed myself, and day dreamed a bit about what's to come.

Five months, 18 days sober today. I’ll be ending this year with six months, and I’m glad I timed it that way. It feels like a beautiful way to a) cap the year and b) stave off any FOMO about drinking over the holidays.

I am fiercely protective of my day count. Fiercely. Because I like dopamine and if there’s anything that triggers a release of the stuff in my brainmeats, it’s feeling proud and feisty. Proud because substance use disorder is no fucking joke and I am kicking its ass all over the playground that is my life. Feisty because there’s an “alive out of spite” component to this that feels really good to me.

Cue Rage Against the Machine, because that’s the vibe I’m bringing to my healing journey these days. Also, the words “Who’s afraid of little old me. YOU SHOULD BE”.

It is a holy rebellion. It’s giving honey badger vibes. It’s a possum crossed with a racoon. It’s, to quote a former friend who levelled these words *about me* and not *to me* (and we all know how much I love that) “Wrathful and Unhinged”.

Words I am embracing and reclaiming. Because, listen.

If you’d had your first experience with sexual violence before you were five, you might be a little unhinged, too. If you'd spent decades in a fawn trauma response over people who not only didn’t have your best interests at heart, but actively moved to harm you, and you woke up to that, you might feel a little wrathful. If your mother knew you were being abused by her partners and did nothing about it and even blamed you for it, you might find yourself really fucking angry, and really fucking critical of people, but especially WOMEN who align themselves with patriarchy, capitalism, misogyny, and colonization.

And I am angry.

But what I am not is cruel. Despite everything I’ve experienced, I am not cruel.

I have, however, been kicking around the idea of writing a memoir called “Wrathful and Unhinged” because the thought of making even a dollar off the ugliness that is discovering that someone you held in high regard is talking that kind of shit about you behind your back while tell you to your face that they love you is, well, delicious.

So, yeah. I’m going to own “wrathful and unhinged” and run with it like the black sheep that I am, because I am:

Wrathful like a fierce and devoted protector of what and who I value (thank you, Renee Magnusson, for that reframe). Unhinged, like someone who sees the oncoming train and is gesticulating wildly about it because THAT IS NOT A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. Wrathful like someone who is tired of (especially unqualified white women) coaches and practitioners preying on the vulnerable, the traumatized, and the neurodivergent. Unhinged like someone who, after almost dying in silence, now *can’t keep quiet*. Wrathful like someone who’s taken a lot of shit over the years because she thought it was her spiritual imperative to be full of grace and is *done* doing that now. Unhinged like Cassandra. Wrathful like the wolf who’s been tethered too long.

Yes. I am all that. But I am also unfailingly true.

I have a reputation for being too much.

Angry, Unhinged, Wrathful, Provocative, Loud, Twee (← what the fuck does that even mean?), Foul-Mouthed, Crass, Messy…

And because I run a business in a realm that seems to want light, fun, easy, pretty, perfect, I have struggled with the “how to be” question to the tune of many years of navel gazing and tens of thousands spent in therapy and other self-improvement efforts.

But I think I’m done with trying to figure out “how to be” because I already know.

Like this.
*I say what I mean and I mean what I say.*

Like this.
*I love who I love and I include myself, always.*

Like this.
*I hold up the light I’ve cast on my own shadow so you might catch a glimpse of yours, too.*

Like this.
*I stir honey and milk into chamomile tea clockwise and whisper a wish for my own inner peace and yours.*

Like this.
*I grapple. I claw. I dig. And then I rest.*

Like this.
*I know. I dare. I will. I keep silence.*

Like this.
*I want to tell you and so I do.*

In summation, all of this to say: